The Big One.....Exposed!

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Region and beyond. It is with a heavy heart that I must post the following from our Facebook Representative and Region Resident Carpiker Mr. Dirk Steel. He does NOT have log in rights here so all material sent has to be sanctioned and authorised by us. I have omitted some of the more risqué comments/observations in an effort to keep the Blog up and running.

My fellow Dirksters. From the man that brought you "PAC Secret Underground Bunker Meeting" and "The Pikers Guide to Carp Speak" The man who installed, out of his own pocket, a revolving door at PAC HQ during PAC 12's tenure to save the bottle neck at the exit. The righter of wrongs, seeker of truth and lover of Carps and Pikes (Dirk puts an "s" on the end cos he can) Has been tasked by the highest in the land to find out about the country's biggest Carp show and to find out exactly what the "Bobby Moore" was.

 (Ed Note; The term "Bobby Moore" has been included for the benefit of Sean Ellis Essex RO who speaks like that. Dirk is multi cultural)

Word had reached the head shed that one of our own was in fact a closet carper and attends carp shows up and down the land. I couldn't have that so set off with my trusted Phillipino Ladyboy Colin to get the scoop. The following is a true account of the day.

Myself and Colin duly arrived and set about joining the queue to get in. We kept our heads down in an effort to remain on the down low but we was attracting some attention. Colin's damn slingbacks were NOT the things to wear. I told him/her that before we left. Colin got to the counter and things went wrong from the start. 

"£10.00 please" said the nice gentleman.

"Er" said Colin.

"£10.00 please"  he repeated.

" Missa Dirk Missa Dirk he stoopid he got it wong. He make me pay. Me never pay, you pay me Missa Till Man me love you long time. For 10 bucky me ..........."

I jumped in and paid the twonks money before he could finish and we was in.

The first thing that hit me was the size of the place. HUGE! the second thing that hit was was, and I s**t you not, a row of chairs with some stunning looking girls doing back rubs for the assorted Carpers. Note to PAC 13 Convention Manager "YES PLEASE". I made a mental note to return at the end of the day. We scouted around and spotted our quarry but not before one or two other disturbing sights met our eyes.

The first thing to be pointed out to me by Colin was that a Korda/Sonic/Carp Stand had pictures of me on there. What in the blue hell was that all about. My cover was blown. I grabbed random people and asked them if they recognised me. Everyone said no but when I frogmarched them to the stand pointed out the pictures, stood next to the pictures in similar poses and asked "What about now" they all said yes that's you in the pictures. That Dirksters is the price of fame and the cross I must bare. Autographs done and dusted whether they wanted any or not I continued on my mission.

The first real shock of the day came when I saw a gentleman small in stature big in heart. It was that fella who played Balin in the Lord of the Rings films. I ran over to congratulate him on his sterling work only to be even more surprised to find that it was in fact Neville Fickling the PAC Chairman. Now Nev is also small in stature but big in heart and has the perpetual sour face look so beloved by the Dwarves of old so it was an easy mistake to make. We exchanged pleasantries and he is quite a remarkable man. I wanted to pick him up and put him in my pocket and take him home for my old mum. I can now see the attraction that Dave Horton finds irresistible.

Nev down with the Karper Kids

We continued to survey our quarry from a distance when blow me down if we didn't see another PAC stalwart. What the hell was going on here? The next gentleman looking very much at home surrounded by the assorted carpers was our very own Mark Skinner. Now for those that don't know Mark has been the PAC Products Manager since 1874. Many moves have been made to oust him from his firmly entrenched position but he locks up all the merchandise in a safe and refuses to give the combination out. He is also our Regions LO but that's a "cushdy pole innit"  (Ed's note; see back catalogued "Pikers Guide to Carp Speak" for explanation/interpretation) There is also a train of thought that Izaak Walton was in fact describing Mark making a delivery when he wrote:

" Whilsteth anglingeth for the muddeth piggeth I did spyeth a huched backeth man with a heavy loadeth of parcels on a deliveryeth for the great unwashedeth"

Still with all that he has endured in the 200 years he has been doing the PAC Products job the old boy is holding up well. Worn and lived in but holding up.

Mark Skinner PAC's very own Postman Pat

The time had come we made our move. We approached the man we had come to expose. Step forward Mr Budgie Burgess. 

The following is a recorded conversation with attached photographs. 

Budgie Entralling Two Young Carpers

You will notice that Budgie is not on the Knot 2 Kinky stand as promised on FB but is in fact on the Realtree Paint Stand.

Budgie:  "Hello young carpers I'm Budgie"

Carpers: "We ain't carpers we are pikers"

Budgie:  "Get out"

Carpers: "Hang on mate we are interested in the Realtree paint jobs"

Budgie:  "Ok then what do you need to know"

Carpers: "Well firstly why are you called Budgie"

Budgie:  "On account of my ability to poop where I stand and also because a night with me is very   cheap"

Carpers: "Oh right mate! Erm so this Realtree then we are thinking of getting it done what exactly       can you paint"

Budgie:  "Well I did my under crackers look"

Eds Note; At this point Budgie decided to drop his trousers in front of the assembled throng including this reporter. In the interests of decency I have decided not to include this photograph. If it saves just one person from the night terrors that I am now suffering it will have been worth it.

Carpers: "Very nice mate I see that you have a Spomb down your pants. Do you do those as well"

Eds Note; At this point and at the mention of the word Spomb and Realtree Budgie collapsed in a heap. This was no doubt due to a past indiscretion concerning a Spomb and Realtree. I have no idea what that could be and would hope that Budgie would explain ( why is there no suppressed laughing smileys here face)

Budgie: "Sorry about that" Said Budgie as his long suffering partner Jo helped him up

"I collapse every time when that's mentioned and have in fact since the last show. I'm sorry                 we cannot do that but look I can do your Delks and your pods I can even do your bivvy poles"

Carpers: "We told you mate we ain't carpers we are pikers"

Budgie:  "So am I... so am I look look..."

Budgie trying to make amends?

By know the carpers were aware that they were dealing with a total loon. A man with a foot firmly entrenched in both the Piking and Carping camps. Shocking! but something this reporter has suspected for some time. I had a major row on t'internet a while back with a "Piker" of some repute. I pointed out that Budgie was a very good Carper. The piker shouted me down and came over all a quiver saying that Budgie was a piker and piker only. Regardless of  this reporter stating that he had known Budgie for a number of years and had in fact known of him for far longer, it got very heated with the "Piker of some repute". I have kept the screenshot and hope that I am now vindicated. 

Budgie realised that he had been spotted and that he had in fact just lost a sale. His face in this next shot is a mixture of both these emotions shining through.

Damn! another sale gone and whys that bloke taking pictures? Oh double damn!

So my friends there you have it. The PAC Stalwart Budgie Burgess is a Carpiker like me. Feet firmly in both camps. There was also a PPH sitting on the back of the chair. The man has no shame. I rapidly made my exit. Job done and people exposed. Time to visit that back rub station.

What a con! There should be laws against it. Why is it ok for the girls to accost you and give you a back rub but the moment you lay them down and reciprocate you get jumped on by security? What followed soured the day and resulted in myself and Colin getting thrown out. Not just shown the door but proper thrown out! dumped in a heap outside. Colin went all Karate Kid on there asses but maintaining the crane position in slingbacks was beyond even his/her many talents and he/she to was jumped on. Stoopid Colin loved that!

Steve"Budgie" Burgess will be appearing at our Region in the near future for a slide show and talk. I hope that this has wetted your appetites and given you my loyal Dirksters food for thought. This reporter will have many questions to ask.

I shall leave it here my friends. I expect repercussions but rest assured Dirk has kept back some very juicy stuff just in case.

I'm off down the Phisted Ferret now for a well deserved pint "O" the Black Stuff and a glass of Dry White for the Lady (boy)